Saturday, April 25, 2015

You are definitely not alone!!

I have been such a blog slacker!!!

I have been on leave from work after delivering the twins and it's honestly been a day to day juggling act and honestly at the end of the day sometimes I just don't have much to say. I will say, things are getting better. One day at a time. 

We finally found that strength to hang the babies urns up and create a special little spot for them in our home. That was a difficult task which required a good amount of wine and a husband to help when I broke down in tears over not only what I was doing but over the fact that the damn shelf was not "easy to install" as the box said. Like I said, one day at a time. The end result was beautiful and bittersweet. I should be decorating their nursery not adorning their urns, that was stinging. Nonetheless, the project ended well!




It's crazy because it's a whole different type of grieving when you go through losing a baby (or in this case two) and have a child at home. Children do make everything a little lighter. It's hard to be down when your son looks at you with his huge innocent eyes and says some disgusting five year old type joke. Yep, hard to be down when you're walking around with a blessing like that. Harder even so because you find yourself imagining if the babies you lost would laugh like he does or have his quirky habits, his same brown eyes, etc...but it definitely opens you to a world of complete adoration for this gift you've been given. I could keep him in a bubble, poor kid. His response to me lately when I tell him I love him is: "You say that a million times!!! I know!!!!!" I don't care that he's annoyed, glad he knows how much I love him and how grateful I am for him!!!!!




So to get to topic for this post, it's National Infertility Awareness Week!! While unfortunately my heart has been introduced into this different world of a grieving parent...my heart also holds so much passion for the topic of infertility. This year's theme?

 "You are not alone."

I cannot preach to anyone enough who is possibly in the midst of a long struggle or in the beginning of finding they may be dealing with infertility how important it is that they know how far away being alone in this is from reality. 

I remember the moment I saw my positive pregnancy test with my son, Jude. I sobbed. Only it wasn't like the kind of sob I did with the twins or our baby prior. It was a "holy shit, I am not ready for this" cry. Of course, I was, I just didn't know. You don't really think about having a baby at 21. At least I didn't. My friends were entering the bar scene while I entered mommyhood. Best thing that ever happened to me and when I think of the night Jude was born it has a feeling of magic. Pure magic!!! So needless to say, I had zero thoughts of having any more children any time soon. I also never even considered that I'd ever have difficulty in having more. It happened so unexpectedly. I was young and obviously fertile. Yep. I was wrong. And knowing how bad my endometriosis was I look at my son as a miracle, seriously.



Anyways to wrap this up, if you're reading, you're familiar with my journey. I can remember the silence in the ultrasound room when my husband and I lost our first baby. I also remember a sign on the wall (as the hospital was a Catholic one) that simply said "If God brings you to it, he will bring you through it." No joke, I remember that moment often and I live off that basic quote. 




I went home after emergency surgery that essentially saved my life and grieved that baby that we never got to know. I remember discussing options and feeling so lost. IVF seemed so confusing and unreachable and pretty damn hard, honestly. It was overwhelming. I never thought I could do this. I wanted to give up. But again, if you know me, I never give up. Difficulties are small potatoes in comparison to the big picture. Today, I could vividly describe every segment of every exploratory surgery/procedure used to diagnose infertility, walk you through every detail and drug of the IVF world and list for you every herb, vitamin and natural remedy suggested for better IVF success. I got this. So if you're going through what I have and am, know this, you're not alone. Your faith needs to be bigger than your fears. Even after loss, struggle and the whole shebang, I stand tall and optimistic.

I was touching earlier on how hard it is to see anything but positivity when your world involves a child, they are so optimistic. My son feeds me a lot of my strength and courage to face everything we've been through...they say if you want to understand the world talk to a five year old. We were in Target the other day and Jude was making faces at an adorable little baby girl when he told me simply that he "missed his Lucy and Liam"...I assured him that we all do. His response was so innocent and optimistic and yet so adult like that it stopped me in my tracks. "Mom, I know you get sad because you miss them. Some mommies have babies that go to heaven, some mommies have babies but it takes (his exact words) 'a million years', and some mommies don't have babies. But that's o.k."

Profound. I'll wait a million years to experience another gift comparable to him!! 





Just remember, momma, you're not alone!!!







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