let's break this crazy taboo

Grief is hard work. I have decided to take the advice I found while reading one of my favorite books Tuesdays with Morrie, you may be familiar with the touching story of a young man who spends his Tuesdays with an old professor of his from college who is essentially dying from ALS, their days are spent working through accepting that life for him is ending while finding the courage to enjoy it. There is a part in the book where Morrie (the dying professor) says something to the effect that he spends a brief amount of time every day to grieve for himself and then moves through the day as to not let grief consume his life. This makes so much sense to me as a newly bereaved mommy. I need to grieve but I also need to try to find a new norm and live. I take the time to scroll Pinterest quotes/pictures that make me think of Lucy and Liam, I read through my support group blogs and cry every morning and then I put it away, if I can. Grieving is hard work but it's copacetic. It's all part of healing, feeling the pain and embracing it.

I've come to notice pain and grief makes people uncomfortable and I understand that. I probably wouldn't have the ability to see grief for what it is had I not experienced what I have. I never understood the magnitude of loss until recently. I have genuine pain and compassion for people who I notice grieving. I wish I didn't understand so well how they feel, but I do. So I understand that people will say things with intent to comfort or relate without thinking these things through. "What's wrong?" (I'm grieving my children.) "At least you have one already." (Yes, and I'm grateful. Children however don't replace other children and our desire to have more children is our desire. It needs no explanation.) "They're in a better place, it wasn't meant to be." (Yes, they earned a spot in Heaven. They are in a beautiful place but would it be that easy to understand if they were your children.) I could go on, the point is clear. I am grateful for the attempt. Infant loss is really misunderstood and I feel bad for never realizing how hard it was for so many women I grew to know through my infertility struggles that experienced this great loss. I chalked it up to something I could never survive through...and then I did. I'm adjusting to losing two children that I fought for through years of struggling with infertility to have. I think it's hard for people to understand the intense desperation that infertility coupled with loss creates in a couples heart without having experienced it themselves. I understand that, so sometimes I wish there was more understanding for the topic. It shouldn't be a hush hush topic. See, I am not unhappy. Of course, I wish things happened a different way. I wish I was still admiring my children...Via ultrasound instead of through the photo albums of their first...and last day in this world. However, I still laugh, I still act crazy with my five year old and husband. I'm grieving. Don't feel sorry for me or become awkward when I talk about my children. Remember them with me. Admire their beauty and my love for them. I am just like any other mother. I loved my babies and I want to remember them. Yes, I am changed now. I am learning to understand the new me. Have patience with me for that. Be careful of opinions and comments. Our desire for more children was and is still a desire we have as a couple. Our pain for the loss we have suffered is brand new and now a forever part of us.

Coming to terms with the new me is my latest project. I started this blog to have an avenue for me to vent and others to relate. The ironic thing is most days this grief leaves me speechless. It's still awkward for me. One day at a time.